Gloria in Extremis Vulgaria!

Count von Loon gestures. 'In the distance, it seems, our forces could see the movement of a squadron of enemy hussars. And of course, when hussars are present upon the battlefield, then adventure, daring exploits, and incidents of colourful livestock molestation, are sure to follow.'
'How exciting!' says Prince Dimitri. 'Did they charge upon our forces, only to be driven off after a sharp bout of heroic fighting at close quarters?'
'We shall see, my lord, as I continue reading General van Rentall's account of the action. As an aside, though,' says Loon, musing, 'I should say that that outcome would always strike me as highly unlikely. In my experience, close quarters combat in the Wars of the Gelderland Succession seems mainly to involve idle threats, a few harmless, if rude, hand gestures, and some commode-related accidents the main casualties of which are the britches of the troops involved. The combat itself generally is less dangerous to the troops than the beatings, delivered by officers, that are required to get the men to advance in the first place. But still, I digress, my Prince. Rentall's report continues thus:'

'"With our left and right flanks creditably encumbered with sheep and other livestock (the identification of which was less subject to local consensus) it became doubly important that the four companies of our infantry deployed under Prince-Bishop Brad should hold firmly the centre of our position. The likelihood of this became more doubtful when, in addition to determining the presence of enemy cavalry, our musketeers were confronted by the converged elements of the enemy's centre and left. These deployed into a long firing line and proceeded to engage our forces (below)"

"According to our intelligence the Wurstburp left, comprising of the first four companies of Infantry Regiment No.1, was under the command of Colonel Otto Ernst von Woebbling-Lippe, with his second-in command being Captain Jurgen Daun. The Wurstburp centre was made up of the three remaining companies of IR No.1, commanded by Colonel Frederic Eben von Trumpenbad, and a certain Captain Zapt. Also attached to Trumpenbad's force was a squadron of hussars commanded by a recently arrived and mysterious officer by the the name of Hieronyous Karl Friedrich, Baron von Hunchmausen. Colonel Woebbling-Lippe it would seem was a true officer of the Enlightenment. As his troops wavered under the fire of our infantry, he restored discipline by threatening to lighten his musketeers by removing from their bodies the heavy encumbrance of their heads (below)."

"With order thus restored, the Margravate's musketry began to have a telling effect upon our troops. By all accounts, Prince Brad's response to this was somewhat unconventional, him being heard to rally the troops with the comment: 'Marvellous, soon my position will collapse and a stinging defeat will be inflicted on the vile Vulgarian usurper Dimitri."'
'What?' cries Prince Dimitri.
Loon gestures placatingly. 'He probably meant some other Prince Dimitri who also by some coincidence has recently taken over the throne of a small European statelet. Anyhoo, the report continues:'

'"Our return musketry inflicted little damage. Colonel Trumpenbad's command in particular remained in good order. The looming threat to our position was that the Margravate's infantry, their cardio-vascular fitness forged historically in the heat of a great deal of long-distance running to the rear, would begin to apply this advantage through a rapid advance to the front and strike us with the bayonet."

"However, as both sides traded volleys, Colonel Trumpenbad was seen meeting with Captain Zapt (above). Evidently, the good colonel is an exemplary soldier of the Age of Reason, for, reasoning that such an advance might be a tad dangerous for an infantryman, he issued orders instead for his hussars to advance at the canter; concluding, no doubt, that whether his cavalry rode down our infantry and slaughtered them or the hussars themselves were instead cut down like fur-coated dogs, these were both outcomes likely to improve the morale of his own musketeers. Despite Baron Hunchmausen's claim that he could see no canter to advance at, the enemy hussars soon found themselves  advancing rapidly towards our position. It was then that Captain Meyer-Fleischwund reportedly noticed a slight problem with our deployment, a problem most associated with the words 'flank' and 'open.' This moment was then accompanied by Prince Brad's loud shout of 'Bravo! Our defeat is inevitable! Men, I suggest it is time for you to place down the back of your britches any spare reading material that you might have lying around - because I predict that you are about to be subject to a royal spanking! Hurrah!"